


Lost Trials

by TheRoomWhereItHappened347



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Concerned Iwaizumi Hajime, Depressed Tooru Oikawa, Depression, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Loss, M/M, Sad Ending, Sad Iwaizumi Hajime, Suicidal Tooru Oikawa, Suicide, The Author Regrets Everything, This hurts me, Unrequited Love, Worried Iwaizumi Hajime
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 04:53:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29448093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRoomWhereItHappened347/pseuds/TheRoomWhereItHappened347
Summary: “I’ll see you on the other side...whenever that may be.”Pain stabbed at his heart, unwanted rivers flowing down his cheeks.The breathing shuddered to a stop.He was alone.It was quiet.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Kudos: 7





	Lost Trials

**Author's Note:**

> 1) This is a conversation that is similar to what happened between me and my friend. I’ve been the therapy friend a lot and every time a conversation like this happens I’m so worried my nightmare will come true. I don’t want to know I was their last hope and failed. 
> 
> 2) This is heavy as fuck. READ THE TAGS THEY SERVE AS WARNINGS!!!
> 
> 3) Leave a kudos and comment once you’re finished reading! 
> 
> ⚠️ Suicidal Thoughts  
> ⚠️ Suicide

It was quiet.

He was alone. 

Walking back from school without someone chattering his ear off...it was strange to say the least.

As much as he hated to admit it, he missed his best friend ranting about aliens or begging him to get some milk bread. He was so used to companionship that without it he felt naked, like a shield had been stolen from him. 

Tooru had called him early in the morning, whining about being sick and his mother insisting he stayed home despite his protests of there being a test in the morning. 

In all honesty, he wasn’t too surprised his best friend came down with something. Tooru had looked pale these past few days and his knee almost gave out at the park last week. 

He didn’t think Tooru was lying about being sick just to stay home. He wouldn’t have texted at all otherwise, considering he had days where he couldn’t find the energy to text, let alone get out of bed. 

He swallowed at the thought of a few years ago, when he found out about Tooru’s depression. It wasn’t easy either, for his best friend to tell him or for him to process it.

Tooru hadn’t shown any signs of his depression, throwing a facade as strong as steel for years until Iwaizumi stopped him from being run over once. 

He still remembered how harsh his grip was, how empty Tooru’s eyes were and how fake his apology was.  
He wouldn’t be able to deal with Tooru leaving his life.

Ding! Speak of the devil. 

Unlocking his phone, he raised an eyebrow at the single text. Normally his phone would be buzzing with alien memes and Tooru complaining about how boring his day was.

Crappykawa 👽  
Iwa-chan~ have u left practice yet?

Me  
Yh I’m abt 15 mins away from home  
Why?

Crappykawa 👽  
...no reason 

Me  
Tooru

Crappykawa 👽  
Fine but u can’t stop me 

Icy fear gripped his heart. What did Tooru mean by that?

Me  
What do u mean ‘stop you’  
Tooru what r u doing?

Crappykawa 👽  
U know when existence is too tiring?  
That

Me  
Tooru where r u 

Crappykawa 👽  
It doesn’t matter  
U won’t get here in time 

Me  
Tooru please

Crappykawa 👽  
Hajime 

His blood went cold and his eyes widened. Tooru never called him his actual name unless he was serious and wanted him to shut up and listen, or the topic was incredibly serious. 

He still couldn’t process this was happening.

He hadn’t needed to talk Tooru back from the brink since a few months ago. 

Long text messages were never a good sign, and this was screaming ‘I am going to end myself’, but he didn’t want that.

He started sprinting; hopefully auntie would know where Tooru went. Tooru being sick was a lie, but he hadn’t thought of checking, hadn’t thought of going back earlier just to be sure.

“Please, please, please don’t do this,” he panted, hating his bag for weighing him down. 

He was Aoba Johsai’s ace, he could spike so hard that it broke through 3-man blocks and was an undefeated wrestling champion. 

All of his strength and speed, yet he couldn’t get home fast enough. 

Ding!

Crappykawa 👽  
You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met.  
Even from the age of 5 when I moved in,  
I knew I would be by your side for as long as  
possible. Getting into volleyball and becoming  
a partner you could be proud of is my best achievement. You’ve kept me in line for as long  
as I can remember and stopped me from doing  
stupid things like hitting Kageyama. 

He’d arrived home now, dumping his bag in the hallway without remorse and slamming the door shut as he bolted across the street, not giving himself time to rest. 

Not when his best friend could be about to end his life.

He knocked on the door, checking his phone every few seconds only to see Tooru was still typing. 

“Auntie!” He yelled, banging on the door like a policeman with a search warrant. 

It was as he checked over his shoulder that he realised there were no cars in the driveway. No cars in the driveway meant no one was home. 

Auntie was at work and Tooru’s father...well his father had been absent from his life since he was 8. 

He’d been wasting precious minutes on a lost cause. 

Crappykawa 👽  
I lost hope a few months ago and have been  
a shell ever since, but losing to Karasuno was  
the last straw. It proved my incompetence as  
a captain, as a person. If I can’t beat Kageyama,  
what chance do I have of getting anywhere else?  
I don’t have a chance of beating Ushiwaka, let  
alone major teams. I’ve put my all into this only  
to fail too many times. And I know the better 6  
on the court are stronger but I’m sick of being  
beaten, of feeling worthless and a burden and  
useless and just everything bad. 

Me  
Tooru you aren’t any of that please don’t think it

Crappykawa 👽  
Then what should I think? There’s nothing else  
to me. I’m an asshole and fake and can’t be  
fully honest with anyone not even my best friend  
I can’t do much than what I’m going to now

Me  
Why can’t you talk to me?

Crappykawa 👽  
I...it’s difficult  
You’ll see in the letter  
I left it on my desk

Me  
You still have so many reasons to stay

Crappykawa 👽  
Name them

He scrambled for anything he could think of, not wanting to take too long. Any mistakes could be lethal. 

He remembered a few months ago when they were in his bedroom, with Tooru bringing up the subject of bucket lists and what he wanted to do.  
_____________________________________________

“Hey, Iwa-chan?” He grunted in response, too focused on his English homework to look up. “Do you have a bucket list?”

“A bucket list?”

“You know, a list you want to do before you die-”

“Dumbass, of course I know what a bucket list is,” he scowled. “I’d probably want to climb Mount Everest at some point, maybe go skiing.”

“I’d wanna go sky diving.” Tooru said it with such certainty that he was almost surprised. Wasn’t he afraid of heights?

“You almost pissed yourself when looking over the edge of a cliff. What makes you wanna go sky diving?” He asked, flipping onto the next page to see what questions he needed to do.

“I don’t know.” He glanced up to see Tooru staring absently at his hands. “It looks fun to free fall, doesn’t it? Like in anime, they make it look so peaceful.” 

That was concerning. 

“What other things would you wanna do?” Hajime asked, attempting to swim to shallower water rather than the deep pool of Tooru’s mind. 

“Go to the Olympics.”

“To play or to watch?” 

“Both.”  
_____________________________________________

He hadn’t thought much of it at the time, but it could’ve been a sign of Tooru breaking.

Me  
You still haven’t graduated, haven’t travelled  
across the world, haven’t found the person  
who you’ll marry and have kids with, haven’t  
tried every milk bread possible or ticked off  
your bucket list

Crappykawa 👽  
I can deal with not doing a lot of those  
Half of them won’t be possible anyway 

Me  
Don’t think like that  
You’ve been going for years why stop now  
Please don’t stop now

Crappykawa 👽  
There’s no one I wish to stay for  
You ever wondered why I stayed around  
urs more often

He had, but never questioned. A lot of exceptions were made when it came to Tooru. From how he acted to the overworking, he made exceptions.

These exceptions were his mistakes though. 

He shouldn’t have left Tooru alone in the gym.

He shouldn’t have let him overwork.

He shouldn’t have left him to suffer in silence. 

Me  
Sometimes yeah 

Crappykawa 👽  
I’m accepted there  
People actually want me to be around  
But I’m not going to be anymore  
Whatever questions you have left will probably  
be answered in the letter on my desk

Me  
Tooru no don’t leave me please

Crappykawa 👽  
You’re the most important person in my life,  
I couldn’t have asked for a better best friend.  
You’ve made me laugh so hard I’ve cried and  
my ribs hurt, you’ve listened to me and kept  
me in line, you’ve helped me with all my  
problems. 

Me  
Please don’t leave 

Crappykawa 👽  
I couldn’t have asked for a better partner  
It’s to the point I’ve fallen for you and your  
charms. But don’t be sad when I’m gone  
It’ll be one less piece of trash gone okay?  
I love you Hajime. For the last 7 years I’ve  
loved you. Thank you for being there for me

His brain stopped functioning for a few seconds.  
Tooru...loved him? As in romantically? But Tooru knew he was straight- 

He was part of the reason his best friend was dying.  
Tooru knew he had a girlfriend, had hyped him up for months about asking her out, but pushed himself aside in the process? 

He shouldn’t have done that, he shouldn’t have buried his own happiness.

All the fake smiles, empty eyes and spacing out made sense. He was trying to escape reality.

Hajime dialled Tooru’s number, partially unable to process any of this way real. 

Riiing.  
Riiing.  
Riiing.  
Riiing-

“You’ve reached the voicemail of Oikawa Tooru-”

He dialled again. 

Riiing.  
Riiing.  
Riiing-

“You’ve reached-”

He dialled again. 

Riiing.  
Rii-  
It picked up, but there was silence, crackling interrupting the static every few beats.

“Tooru?” He asked hesitantly. 

“H-Hajime?”

His heart skipped a beat. Tooru had never sounded so weak, so exhausted.

“Where are you?” He fought to keep his voice steady. 

“Somewhere.”

“Please tell me where you are.”

“I’m not really sure, it’s a bit too hazy for me to remember. I’m amazed there’s even signal here.” The chuckle that followed sounded dead. It sent shivers throughout Hajime’s body. 

Next to no signal...that ruled out anywhere public, like a park or town. It ruled out anywhere with transportation like the train station as well.

“You’re at the treehouse,” he stated, remembering how the forest nearly blocked all signal.  
_____________________________________________

They couldn’t believe their luck. 

“Hajime! There’s a whole treehouse here, it’s as if it was destiny!” Tooru exclaimed, hair bouncing as he darted around the tree base. 

“Yeah right,” he snorted despite the excited fluttering in his heart. “This thing looks like it could collapse at any second.” 

They’d been traipsing through the woods for the nth time that summer, having strolled down familiarised routes in the summer heat. 

Well, they’d been wandering down familiarised routes until Hajime tripped on an unusually large tree root, making him tumble down a normally avoided mini-cliff as Tooru shouted his name and followed. 

After checking Hajime was okay and only had a few scratches, they slowly made their way back until they found the treehouse, hence their current situation. 

The thing was old, covered in splinters and didn’t look like it would support their weight in 10 years time, but for that moment in the clearing as sunshine bore down on it, the place was perfect.

“Can we ask your parents and my mum to help us get it in shape?” Tooru pleaded, eager to transform the decomposing wood into some sort of hideout they could use. 

“Fine, as long as you don’t leave me to carry all the heavy stuff like you did before,” he grinned despite the statement he’d made, excited to have a project to work on. 

It took all summer to find the right materials and practically rebuild the treehouse, but it was worth it. 

Blood, sweat and tears paid off into hundreds of memories, each one treasured by both boys. 

He didn’t think they’d use it from the end of spring right through to the beginning of autumn, but Tooru’s puppy eyes and toothy smiles weakened his resolve considerably, breaking the careful walls he’d built up in trying to appear tougher than he was. 

He didn’t think the memories would come back to bite him though.  
_____________________________________________

“Considering how much of a brute you are, it’s pretty good you figured it out so quickly,” Tooru’s laugh tinkled through the phone. “But I’m going to repeat what my text said. You won’t get to me in time.”

“But-”

“I’m tired Hajime.” 

The guilt he felt was infinitely worse than what losing to Karasuno was like, it crushing him through the earth, similar to Atlas holding the sky.

“I’m so tired, but don’t spend your whole life mourning me. Live it.” A shattered breath sounded through the phone

“I’ll see you on the other side...whenever that may be.” 

Pain stabbed at his heart, unwanted rivers flowing down his cheeks. 

The breathing shuddered to a stop.

He was alone.

It was quiet.


End file.
